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Orange Is The New Black + Prison Beauty Questions And Concerns

Orange Is The New Black + Prison Beauty Questions And Concerns

I recently finished my binge watching of Orange Is The New Black, season 2. If you’re not caught up, I suggest you take the weekend to familiarize yourself with Piper, her prison buddies and their shenanigans, including – but not limited to – lesbian sex, a beating by a sock and a lock, a hunger strike, a political debacle – complete with a PG guy-on-guy scandal, attempted murder, drugs, and a whole bunch of shit (literally).

Takeaway: I don’t think I would survive in jail. The food alone would kill me.

And then I began to muse over the numerous beautifying products and routines that one would have to live without while behind bars. Such as, how do you tend to your brows? Seriously, I kept asking myself this very question every episode. Until the guards raided the bunks and confiscated contraband tweezers and I realized that you’d end up with a unibrow… which, considering the circumstances, would be the least of your worries. I’m pretty certain I’d end up turning tricks just to get my hands – and brows – on Anastasia’s Tweezers – and, while we’re at it, the Brow Gel too (my brows are unruly little suckers).

Interesting to learn that the commissary sells mascara but lipgloss is against the rules? My lips are chapped on a permanent basis, I can’t imagine going months or years without Fresh’s Sugar Lip Treatment, or at the very least, a tube of Aquaphor. And, while we’re on the subject of mascara, what brands do you think the prison sells? I’m guessing mass like Maybelline or CoverGirl – I’d be okay with CoverGirl’s Lash Blast although I’d prefer DiorShow Iconic Overcurl.

How about all of my favorite moisturizers and serums? Granted, I doubt that a prisoner is too concerned with aging (I’m assuming they’ve got more on their minds than a few wrinkles), but in this hypothetical world, could you live without your face cream? I’m certain that I’d end up in solitary for smuggling in a bottle, or two, of Sunday Riley’s Good Genes. Just because I’m behind bars, doesn’t mean I’m going to let my complexion go to sh*t.

What happens if you breakout (as in your skin, not breaking out of jail)? Is Mario Badescu’s Drying Lotion available behind bars? And eye cream! I could  – possibly – live without mascara, but life without my beloved Shiseido Benefiance WrinkleResist24 Intensive Eye Contour Cream? NEVER.

When it comes to the mane, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that TV jail had an actual salon (do they do ombre?). I wonder if this is the case in real jail. But the discovery led me to another line of questioning: hair products. Do prisoners have a choice regarding shampoo and conditioner? Is there a sulfate-free option, like Alterna’s Caviar range? I can’t imagine living without my Klorane dry shampoo and I’m guessing that the commissary doesn’t sell this. I’ll further assume that L’Oreal’s Elnett Hairspray (or any alcohol-based product) is completely out of the question. Light a match next to a coiffed head of hairsprayed tresses and you’ll end up burning down the house (errr, jail).

Finally, body care. I apply lotion at least 5 times a day. Constantly on my hands and feet and after every shower, I literally bathe in a heavy moisturizer like the delectable Korres Body Butter in Guava (I’d choose guava for my limbs over in my belly any day). But how does one moisturize in jail? I’m gonna guess that body creams aren’t considered a necessity for those imprisoned. Worst case scenario, you could always swipe an avocado (or better yet, some coconut oil) from the kitchen. A DIY body butter (that can double as a hair mask) isn’t a terrible idea. Okay, so I’d have to get on kitchen duty immediately.

And what about shaving? Legs, bikini and pits? Razors are considered weapons (at least on airplanes, so I’ll assume the same is true for prison). Are we meant to let it all go — and grow? Would I be forced to check my Schick Intuition Plus Razor at the door? Oh, how I’d miss that heavenly built-in bar of shaving cream.

There are a plethora of reasons not to end up in jail — but being without my beauty staples, that’s pretty high on the list. Just saying…

Note: This article is – obviously – meant to be tongue-in-cheek… however, the products mentioned above are some of my absolute favorites – ever.

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